oh no, not yet missy

yeah, classes are over, project is done. You might think "it's time for vacations, time to rest,to recharge" but NO.

Oh no, it's time to work again! It's never over lol

Now it's my thesis, the final paper to be presented before a jury of teachers, the final stand in my college education. And I hate presentations.

I like the theme, it's something that always made me wonder. But researching and writing and thinking about all aspects of a thesis is not that fun ;p

Right now I'm at the public library, surrounded by books on churches and natural light. In a few hours I've to leave but I'll be back to this place, to this stage.

Well break time is over, let's get back to work.

it's gone....thankfully

Hi

It's been a long time.
I figured out the pain or at least I think I did.
The next Monday after the post it went away, in the afternoon. I don't know if it was just a bad felling or if it was because of a strange situation with my friend's grandmother. All I know is that it is gone.

Well now is back to reality and to work. The paper is due in a week and there's much to do.

Bye

pain...

it's worse today, I couldn't go to college.
It feels like I can't breath sometimes, like every bit of life just flows out of me and leaves me empty.
I'm trying really hard to work but I don't know...
I don't know why I come here and write this, maybe I just want to let it go, maybe this way the pain will ease a bit. It's like the absence of something, like my heart was cut out but no one told me.

I don't know what this is... maybe a feeling that something very bad is going to happen or something in me will die or is dying.
It's scarier today.

soul reflection

Hi...
this was hard for me to write and even harder to post here...

What am I doing with my life? I'm completely lost.
I’m 23 years old, I’m in my last year of college and I still don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m here. I’ve never been in love, I’ve never kissed anyone, I feel I’ve never lived!
I want to feel something, I want to be wanted and I want to want someone. I need a purpose, inspiration, something that makes me move forward.
I read the ribbons my friends and family gave me and I couldn’t see myself in them. They were talking about someone else, not me. My mother was proud of me, she said this was a victory in my life…I can’t see that.
I feel I’ve lost my way or that I never had it. I just…I don’t know what to do, how to get pass this. By now I should have an idea of what to do with my life, where to go, what I want to find… I don’t like admitting these things, I don’t know myself. Let’s face it, I don’t know anything. I find it very hard to get up in the morning, I find it hard to do something, to work on something, to take initiative, to live. This weekend I should have worked on my final project and these last months I should have worked on my thesis, a theme I picked, I supposedly liked.

“The beauty is not only in light, sometimes is in the shadow” I said that, I thought that but I only see dark. All these people congratulating me, saying “you did it”, what did I do? I walked through college and I don’t know why.

In what am I good at? Architecture? I don’t think so, I lost my inspiration, if I had any, I’ve no ideas, I’ve no project, I’m stuck in my head. Guitar? Yeah only on weekend and badly. Dancing? I’ve lost rhythm. Computers? The same as usual, nothing less nothing more. Love? I‘ve no idea, I’ve never loved anyone, I can’t even say to my own family that I love them. I’m just so closed in myself I don’t let anyone in and I know that but I can’t help it. It’s terrifying just thinking of letting anyone see me, the really me, because I’ve no idea who that is…
I don’t know this girl, what she wants, needs, what she is looking for…I played it safe, never took risks, I was and still am afraid.

Where I’m I going to find the strength to finish what I started? What I have to do?
I hid behind TV shows, films, excuses. I’m fake.

I feel I'm going to explode, that something is coming and I won't be able to stop it. I'm going to lose it, I can't feel it and it scares me. One little thing may set me off! I'm afraid of what will happen...
I just want to let go of this felling, this ache, this pain, this numbness, this horrible sensation that.. I'm so close to lose my mind I can see it... and I can't stop it, as much as I try.

il mio viaggio in Italia (my trip to Italy)

An amazing trip! I want to go back! Tree girls in Italy!

We arrived in Milan and caught the train to Venice, first night amazing! The city is beautiful, safe, we just walked and walked, looking everywhere and taking lots of photos. Just look at this one!

The life in the streets is amazing.

We stayed there two days and it felt like too little time but the trip had to go on...

Next day we caught the train and headed to Florence.

Florence was different. Imagine you spend two days in a city without cars, just boats and bridges and people.

No traffic jams no noise, just life and suddenly you are surrounded by all these cars and buses and bikes and they don't stop to let you cross the street. It was a shock to get back to reality.
We stayed there for 1 night and we saw almost everything.

This bridge was beautiful, it had stores on it. I had never seen anything like this.

It was time to make our detour and catch the train to Pisa to visit our Italian friends.
Pisa is a simple town, they took us on a tour and then we went for dinner. It was great seeing them again after so much time. The detour was a great idea.

Were we are (from right to left): Eva, Ana, Fran, Jo, Claudia, Rita and Ale.

The girl that took the photo was Ilaria, one of their friends.

Dinner was fun, we went to a restaurant where they had pizza by the meter, yes! by the meter.

We ate 2,5m of pizza!!!

It was fun seeing the talking to each other and me understanding almost everything. Claudia was surprised about that. lol

It was time for goodbyes and time to go to Rome.

Rome is Rome, the first thing we saw was the Coliseum. I have to say I wasn't expecting what I saw. When you see it in films, the road seems to be in the same plan of the building but that's not entirely true. The Coliseum is in a lower level , compared to the main street. Still it was beautiful.

The two days we spent there were great, Rome is a beautiful city.

This is the Fontana di Trevi. It's beautiful, always full of people and of course we made a wish.

This was one of the best trips ever and one I'll do again for sure.

So many history, so many spectacular buildings. The piazza's were amazing, full of life.
The bridges, the Vatican, a beautiful city indeed.

By the end of the trip my Italian was much better. It's just a matter of listening lol

One more thing to say about Italians, guys please try not to run over someone crossing the street!
It was a action film trying to scape the vespas and the cars, they have no respect for people walking in the street. That was really annoying.

Well this was my trip, there were so much things to say that if I tried to say all I would be here a couple of days! lol I recommend to everyone. Travel, visit new places, take your friends, family. It's a really rich experience as a human being, you get to see other cultures, other religions, other places, have adventures, met new people, just have fun.

This is something I'll try to do at least once a year with my friend Jo, we already made a pact.

See you soon :)

Italy - scusiiiii lol

hi I'm back

I loved my trip to Italy, it was amazing! Just what I needed!
I visited Venice, Florence, Pisa and Rome.
I've had some really fun moments with my sister Ana and my friend Jo. We even got to see our italian friends in Pisa!

I'll be back with some photos soon, as soon I've the time to pick a few.

be back soon

bye

Twilight, my new addiction :P

Hi
I surrender myself to the Twilight Saga! Yes I did!
I've never heard of it until my sister showed me the trailer to the movie. A couple Friday's ago we went to the movies to see it. The next day I had to buy the book and so I did.

I didn't start reading it for a few days, my sister stole it from me lol

The minute I opened it I couldn't stop, I read it in one day. After finishing Twilight I fought for 5 seconds before going to the bookstore and buy the next two books, both in my language.
The next day I finished New Moon and the day after Eclipse. And then, once again I went to the bookstore and bought the last one, Breaking Dawn, this one in english.

It took me longer to finish this one, a couple days. I think that happened for a couple of reasons, first I'm not used to read this kind of books in english so it takes me a while to get used to the language, second this was the last book, I didn't want to say goodbye to Bella and Edward, third classes started and with less free time I had so slow down.

But I did something I had never done before, I took the book everywhere with me, I read it on the underground, walking, before classes, every time I had a chance I would pick it up and start reading, I would come back to the story, the places, the emotions.

I've to thank Stephenie Meyer because it has been too long since a book or in this case four books have this impact on me.

I introduced Twilight to a friend of mine, the same day she called me and asked me what made me read this books nonstop, she said "Hi I need to ask you something! Do you read the books because of the story or because it is written in the first person?", I laught and said "The two! I can't stop reading! The story pulls me and I need to know what happens next." She agreed lol

I've seen the movie twice, I going to read the original versions of all the books and I can't wait for the next movie, New Moon.

break

Semester break finally. It has been so quiet now, I just love it.

One week to rest and regain strength to start over, I was needing this.Now I've time to do my reviews, see my tv shows, be with my family, just relax and watch a movie.

Things are good now, I'm not scared any more. I'm more excited for my trip to Italy, yeah I'm going.
Me and two friends, it's going to be great and then I'll post here some pictures.

That's for now, I've got stuff to do.

bye

i'm scared

I'm scared. Right now I shaking, I can't stop shaking.
How can a few word have this impact on someone?

I've just erased my last post here, i just didn't knew how to say this.

Have you ever felt lost? like someone says something to you and your world just stop, those words have such a negative impact on you that you just can't deal with it?
That's exactly how I'm felling right now. I've just talked with my mother, I do that every day. (I'm studying away from home).
My father is a complicated person, one day everything is ok the next he just gets drunk. It's really hard for me to write these words but I have to let it out. I don't understand him anymore, I don't understand the need he has to get drunk and start yealling at me or my sister, because it's late or something stupid like that. He has said some horrible things to me, things I can't forget even if I try really hard to. Some were true some weren't but most were things he was also guilty. I know I'm not the perfect child! We all make mistakes but his are getting worse.

He has to have the final saying in everything, even when he is not right, what happens most of the times. The problem is that this has been on for years, he gets drunk, my mother and sister lose their ride to work and school, he misses work, there are arguments, he has an accident, the list goes on.

My mother 10 min ago said "I've had it, this is been on for to long. I getting sick and tired of this." That really scares me because I know she is right, sometimes it is impossible to talk to him, I myself have no patience, if I respond or something like that he just starts yelling. That's why most of the times I just can't be around him when he starts being like that.
My cousin thinks it's funny, that he only does this sometimes but she has no idea.

I can't even imagine my family apart, it's something that scares me to death. I love my family, I hate when this happens, I hate seeing my mother suffer like that, nervous like that, i hate that my father does those things, i don't get it.

This makes me feel so sad, so hopeless, so alone. I'm not a person that cries, I'm the kind that holds everything inside, just keeps holding and holding until the day that explodes and ends up hurting the wrong people. I try not to get upset or hurt but these things get to me.

I just...i don't know what to do...

simply "Fados"

Ok this one is to talk about a movie I'm seeing at this moment.
It's called "Fados" and it's about the most pure Portuguese expression, our soul, it's the calling card of our cultural identity.
U must have heard of Mariza, Camané, Carlos do Carmo. They are all fadistas, they are some of our ambassadors in music. I've know Fado since I was a little girl but only recently I started to listen, but really listen to it and it is beautiful. Everytime I hear someone singing I just stop and listen to that amazing poem, that poem about ordinary situations, ordinary people, about life itself.

I know have all Mariza cd's and this beautiful movie that taught me so much about this peace of my culture, a piece I didn't know that well. And the surprising part is that the director is not Portuguese, so this is his view of my country, my Fado.
Fado can be translated to destiny or fate but is so much more than that.

If you see the movie let me know what you think about the songs, the artists, the history of Fado.

I've to get back to work, please let me know
bye

"The Life Before Her Eyes"

I've just seen this movie, I have to say I didn't expected it.

You should see the movie "The Life Before Her Eyes", but really see it, don't read anything about it (like what I write next lol), don't make up your mind about the type of movie you are going to see... Just watch it, feel it and you might realize what I'm talking about.

Is is true that your life passes before your eyes when you are in the face of death? But is it your past or your future? What do you see?

My sister doesn't like films like this one, she likes something, how can I call it, solid, with a "the end". I liked the movie, maybe because it surprised me, it made me thing about lots of things, it made me come here and tell you about it.
I don't want to ruin it and start telling scenes and events but it's hard to explain what I felt without doing so.

When you're young, being an adult is so far away, you have your whole life ahead and it seems that everything is possible. You have your friends, you make your own mistakes and you learn from them, you grow up, you begin to see what life is about.
I never thought about my future, what I would do or how I would do it.

An event like that one in the movie, it changes everything. I've never heard of such thing happening in Portugal, only in the US and one European country. I have no idea how I would feel or react to that situation.
What makes a person do that? How mad, angry, disappointed, hurt would you have to be to hurt so many people? It's something I don't understand.
And this movie just skips it, it takes you to a single moment in time, the moment where you choose, the moment you find out what you're made of, how big is your heart, those seconds where you can see everything.
I really thought I was seeing her life, with her guilt, her sadness, her choices, her friend's dream life but I was wrong.


You should see the movie "The Life Before Her Eyes", but really see it! Just watch it, feel it and you might realize what I'm talking about.

It's time to go.
See u soon
bye

Christmas....

Here I am, home for Christmas.

This year I0ve got a strange felling, it seems like this is not Christmas. Maybe that's because of all the work I had the past two weeks, maybe...

At least now I'm resting, taking a break from my student life, just a few days to charge back and return to work.

This year is going to be different, my cousins will only arrive on the 24th evening, hopefully before midnight. My uncle won't be joining us, we will spend his Christmas with his girlfriend's family.
I don't even care, I know it's a bad thing to say but that's the truth, we might be better without him here.
My grandparents are arriving tomorrow morning and the day will start.

I guess this is just like an ordinary holiday for everyone, family comes, they eat, open presents, the next day they lunch and that's it.

On thing I don't agree, but that's normal nowadays, is that people think Christmas is the only time to give gifts or the only time to be generous and it's not! Most just pretend everything is ok because is politically correct, it keeps appearances. I hate seeing the news when they show people saying "oh this year everything is too expensive, I've no money" but they still spend the money they don't have in gift when a simple thing would be much better, or at least a useful thing. I always ask my parents what they need, not what they want. I like giving them something useful, something they need now or that they will need soon than something that would only replace a old and still good thing.

I don't like spending money on stupid things, on thing that aren't just the ones needed. But hey that's just me...


ok let's wrap this up...
I just wanted to stop by and wish u all a very Merry Christmas!!! That your life can be full of joy, happiness and love with your friends and your family.

see u later


ps: I know something I can be a bit harsh but I need to let it out and this is the place I chose for it.

Time

What is time?

A couple days ago I read an article on a magazine about time. Why do we say "If I had more time..."? Time doesn't grow, it doesn't stop, it keeps passing and there's nothing you can do about it!
"I have no time!" For me this is more "I can't organize yourself!" lol that's me, I always wish having more time to do something more but I never get to do it.
I'm in my last year at collegue and I thought, "I may need more time to collegue so I'll stop working for a few months" Well it seemed a great idea, the hour I would spend at work I now could spend doing something else.
A couple months have gone by and I still have no time, it looks like it flyes by. I think about something to do but then I don't do it and it keeps going and going.

For example, I have lots of papers to deliever plus my thesis theme to search and I can't put myself up to do it. The more time I have the less I do.
Oh well guesss this was all somethings getting things in writting helps me, it makes me remember them and makes me try to change them.

See u soon

accepting suggestions

Hi guys

I know I've been away for more than a month but college is not easy, specially the final year.

I've been working a lot and I barely have the time to relax. For those of you that know me a bit, you know that I usual make tv show reviews on tv.com, have you seen any lately? that's right, no time for that either and I like doing it.

Me and my friends are planning a trip for next year, to a city in Europe.
I'm accepting suggestions! lol

I've already been in Barcelona, London, Amsterdam, Rotterdam and Toulouse. I also know Lisbon and Porto so not these two.

It's not a big list but that's all I've got for now.

those who stay behind

Has I was writing a review for the latest OTH episode, one of my favorite shows, I felt the need to say something more.

If you saw that episode, you had a glimpse, an idea of what happens when you lose someone. I heard that loosing a son or a daughter is the worse thing ever but loosing a parent, a friend, a loved one? Who can say what's worst?

Seeing each one deal with it in their own way, with their problems reminded me when it happened to me. It's a path we must take and it can be really hard sometimes but it gets better with time and with the support of your family and friends.

It changes you, it's something you will keep with you for the rest of your life.

At least that's what I fell. I think about her everyday, sometimes just a phrase or a smell. There's not a day gone by her face doesn't come to my head. I see her picture and I just smile, she is always with me and I like that.

This is a topic that just recently came to my attention, it's one of those things that happen that mark you and you juat have to say something.

I cried so many times, I just wanted the pain to go away, not just the pain but also the "saudades"(there's not a translation for this word), the emptiness.

It's hard for all but in different ways...