soul reflection

Hi...
this was hard for me to write and even harder to post here...

What am I doing with my life? I'm completely lost.
I’m 23 years old, I’m in my last year of college and I still don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m here. I’ve never been in love, I’ve never kissed anyone, I feel I’ve never lived!
I want to feel something, I want to be wanted and I want to want someone. I need a purpose, inspiration, something that makes me move forward.
I read the ribbons my friends and family gave me and I couldn’t see myself in them. They were talking about someone else, not me. My mother was proud of me, she said this was a victory in my life…I can’t see that.
I feel I’ve lost my way or that I never had it. I just…I don’t know what to do, how to get pass this. By now I should have an idea of what to do with my life, where to go, what I want to find… I don’t like admitting these things, I don’t know myself. Let’s face it, I don’t know anything. I find it very hard to get up in the morning, I find it hard to do something, to work on something, to take initiative, to live. This weekend I should have worked on my final project and these last months I should have worked on my thesis, a theme I picked, I supposedly liked.

“The beauty is not only in light, sometimes is in the shadow” I said that, I thought that but I only see dark. All these people congratulating me, saying “you did it”, what did I do? I walked through college and I don’t know why.

In what am I good at? Architecture? I don’t think so, I lost my inspiration, if I had any, I’ve no ideas, I’ve no project, I’m stuck in my head. Guitar? Yeah only on weekend and badly. Dancing? I’ve lost rhythm. Computers? The same as usual, nothing less nothing more. Love? I‘ve no idea, I’ve never loved anyone, I can’t even say to my own family that I love them. I’m just so closed in myself I don’t let anyone in and I know that but I can’t help it. It’s terrifying just thinking of letting anyone see me, the really me, because I’ve no idea who that is…
I don’t know this girl, what she wants, needs, what she is looking for…I played it safe, never took risks, I was and still am afraid.

Where I’m I going to find the strength to finish what I started? What I have to do?
I hid behind TV shows, films, excuses. I’m fake.

I feel I'm going to explode, that something is coming and I won't be able to stop it. I'm going to lose it, I can't feel it and it scares me. One little thing may set me off! I'm afraid of what will happen...
I just want to let go of this felling, this ache, this pain, this numbness, this horrible sensation that.. I'm so close to lose my mind I can see it... and I can't stop it, as much as I try.